11.24.15
more thinking more reflecting today. i just don’t want ***** and i to become some weird versions of ourselves in fear of one of us leaving. i also don’t want either of us to stand in the each other’s way of who we are. i just hope that we grow together and get 2 the point where we have enough respect and honor in our relationship that we always keep each other’s feelings in mind and that we won’t do anything to hurt each other. i do need to make sure that my words are confusing, that i make it clear that my wants and desires may not be my needs, and vice versa.
the only person i can control is myself. its like being on the highway, i can trust and control my own driving. i also need 2 make sure that i don’t do anything erratic that will cause something that i regret. i really need to use this time to learn more about myself and learn more about *****. this is important cuz there will be instances and decisions that have to be acted on when it comes to things like careers, money, parenting, as well as sex that will b made easier if i have a better understanding of myself and my partner.
cuz when shit hits the fan, i have nobody else 2 blame or look at but myself. like i say that i’m willing to make a life with *****, but what if she gets a job that’s far away? am i really willing 2 up root my life and move to b with her without being resentful? i’d like to think that i am because it will b the betterment of the relationship. me moving down to atl and expecting ****** and i 2 b in a relationship was gone about the wrong way and i grew bitter. i also grew bitter for bringing ******** with me to Colorado. things happen for a reason though.
i also mess around with the idea of this open relationship thing. by no means do i want 2 stand in the way of who ***** is. she has made it clear about how she doesn’t think monogamy is natural. i should have listened to ****** when she said she didn’t want 2 b in a relationship, but i kept on pushing and got my feelings hurt. like, i can say all day that i’d like to see ***** be sexual with other people, but that’s all fun and games til she has another dick in her mouth. or saying that i’m cool with us having sex with other people until i end up finding out that it happened.
the idea of the open relationship is to fulfill sexual gratification without being disrespectful to the other partner. so as ***** used the example, if she or i fucked somebody last tuesday, and neither one of us knew, would it b a problem? it’s the same as the tree in the forest analogy. i don’t want to come off as wishy washy or indecisive. i just have a lot of thoughts. as previously stated, i just don’t want us to change 2 much or become somebody that we don’t recognize just 2 please the other person.
on another note, it does suck that my dad and my kids aren’t really in my life. i just hope that my dad finds a sense of peace before its too late to work on our relationship. i also want an opportunity 2 b a father to my own kids.
